Wedding vows: 6 examples to adapt, and how to write your own

Vows are the one part of a wedding you can’t delegate or buy. They are also the part that makes people who don’t think of themselves as writers most uneasy. The good news: what counts is writing true, not writing well, and that comes in four steps.

Vows and the legal ceremony

In England and Wales a civil ceremony has fixed legal wording: a declaration that you know of no reason you can’t marry, and the contracting words, said in front of witnesses. Personal vows are not a substitute. They are added around it, or said in a celebrant-led ceremony, at the reception, or in private on the morning.

The four-step structure

1. A specific memoryOpen with a moment, not an adjective: the first time you laughed together, a holiday that went wrong, a message that arrived at the right time. One detail is worth ten qualities.
2. What they changeSay what this person brings you, and how you are different since. Two sentences, no more.
3. Three or four promisesConcrete, human-sized, a mix of serious and light: “I’ll tell you when I’m not okay”, “I won’t touch your car playlist”.
4. A closing lineOne people remember: “I choose you today, and on the days it’s harder.” Then stop talking.

When the page stays blank

Don’t start by writing: start by answering questions, quickly, without censoring yourself. Ten minutes with a notebook usually gives you more material than you can use.

• When did you know? Where were you, what were you doing?
• What does your partner do that nobody else notices?
• What has been hard, and how did you get through it together?
• What small habit of theirs would you miss most?
• What do you want your life to look like in ten years, on an ordinary Tuesday?

Circle the two or three answers that make you smile or catch your throat. Those are your vows; the structure below just puts them in order.

Six examples to adapt

Romantic

“The day I met you, I forgot what I was saying halfway through a sentence. Since then you have been my favourite place, wherever we are. I promise to stay curious about you, to laugh at my own mistakes, and to listen without looking at my phone. I choose you today, and every morning.”

Funny

“I promise never to say I’m right, even when I am. To pretend to like your films. To share the chips, except the last one, which we will discuss. And to love you more than my sofa, which, as you know, is a real commitment.”

Simple

“I promise to be honest, to be present, and to keep choosing this life with you.”

Short, for people who hate speaking

“With you I’m more myself. That’s all I wanted to say, and it’s why I’m marrying you.”

For a second marriage

“I won’t pretend this is the first time I’ve made this promise. I will say it’s the first time I’ve made it knowing what it asks. I choose you with my eyes open, and with joy.”

With children

“I’m not only promising to love you. I’m promising to love your family as mine, to keep a place for everyone at our table, and to be there, for you and for them.”

Mistakes to avoid

• Reciting poems found online: they don’t sound like you, and a guest will recognise them
• Going past three minutes: the emotion drops, and the room is standing
• Joking about your partner’s past or faults in front of their grandparents
• Improvising without notes: nerves erase everything, even what you know
• Saying everything: keep one line for the two of you

On the day

• Copy the final version onto a card, in large handwriting, or print it in a big font: a phone screen goes dark at the worst moment
• Give the card to a witness or the celebrant, not your own pocket, so it is there when you need it
• Breathe before you begin, look up between sentences, and speak more slowly than feels natural
• If your voice breaks, stop, smile and wait: nobody in the room minds, and it is often the moment they remember
• Keep the card afterwards, with your partner’s: years later, it is one of the few things from the day you will reread