How to write your wedding guest list without falling out with anyone

A guest list gets written twice: once in a burst of enthusiasm, when every name that comes to mind goes down, and a second time in front of the caterer’s quote. In between, there are often forty people and a few tense conversations.

The method below saves you that painful second pass. It won’t tell you who to invite; nobody can do that for you. It gives you an order for deciding, and rules to agree before you start, while nobody has a name in mind yet.

Start with the number, not the names

The number of guests comes from the budget and the venue, never the other way round. Allow roughly £50 to £130 per guest for food and drink depending on the level of service: ten more people is easily £750 to £1,000. Set a limit, and write it at the top of the list.

The three-circle method

Each of you writes a list separately, then you place every name in one of three circles. The sorting happens together, and that’s where the real conversations take place, calmly, before a single invitation has gone out.

1. First circle: without them, it isn’t your weddingClose family, the friends who would rightly be hurt, your best man, maid of honour or witnesses. This circle is never negotiable, and it rarely fills more than half your limit.
2. Second circle: you’d be genuinely happy to see themFriends you see regularly, the cousins you grew up with, colleagues who became friends. This is the circle that adjusts to the budget.
3. Third circle: it would be nice, if there’s roomUniversity friends you’ve lost touch with, friendly colleagues, distant cousins’ children. They’re invited if the limit allows, and only then.

Fill the first circle, then the second, and stop at your limit. If the second circle overflows, that’s the sign to rethink either the budget, the format or what counts as second circle. Never a random mix of all three.

The rules to agree before the first name

Most tension comes from decisions made case by case. “You’re inviting your colleague, so I’m inviting mine.” Agree general rules before you start, apply them to everyone, and the special cases sort themselves out.

• The two-year rule: if you haven’t spoken to someone in two years, they won’t be offended not to be invited
• Children: all, none, or only close family. One rule, written down, the same for both families
• Plus-ones: for established couples, and for guests who won’t know anyone. Not for the others
• Colleagues: the whole team or nobody. Inviting half an office gets noticed
• Your parents’ guests: a number agreed in advance, especially if they’re contributing to the cost

Your parents’ guests

It’s the most delicate conversation, and the most common. If your parents are contributing, it’s fair that they have a say; it’s just as fair for that say to have a limit. Give each family a number of places and let them fill it as they see fit.

A number of places beats a name-by-name discussion: your parents choose between their friends of thirty years and their neighbours themselves, and you don’t have to referee between people you barely know.

Planning for those who won’t come

Between 10 and 20% of guests won’t be able to come, more if many live far away or abroad. It’s useful to know, and dangerous: don’t invite 20% more counting on the refusals. The year everyone says yes, you’ll have neither the chairs nor the budget.

A “B list”, sent as refusals arrive, is common practice. It takes tact: B-list guests work out the date on their invitation fairly quickly. If you do one, send it early, two months before at the latest, and never to close friends or family.

Keeping the list up to date without losing your evenings

A guest list keeps moving: a partner is added, an address corrected, a vegetarian noted, a reply ticked. A shared spreadsheet is fine to begin with, as long as there’s a column for each useful piece of information (household, adults, children, address, reply, dietary requirement, table) and a single version, not one each.

When the replies come in, let your guests fill in their own. A page where each household replies for everyone in it in one minute saves you copying out a hundred messages, and avoids the “there’ll be three of us after all” dropped into a group chat.