How to cut your wedding guest list, without drama

The guest list is the first real decision of a wedding, and the one that commands all the others: the size of the venue, the caterer's bill, the number of tables, even the date. It is also the most emotional. The method below won't remove every difficult conversation, but it turns them into a discussion about rules rather than about people.

Step 1: Define your budget

In our simulator, each guest costs about €100 at a classic level: the meal (around €70), drinks (around €18), a share of the table decoration and the stationery. At a simple level it is closer to €60, at a high-end level €160 or more. The venue, the photographer and the outfits don't change with the number of guests.

• Ten guests more: about €1,000 at a classic level.
• A table of eight: about €800.
• Twenty guests fewer: around €2,000, the price of a photographer for the day.

Step 2: Create three circles

1. Circle A: Must attend (5-15 people)You two, immediate family, one or two best friends. People you couldn't get married without.
2. Circle B: Really want (10-20 people)Extended family, close friends, godparents. You genuinely want them there.
3. Circle C: Nice to have (remaining)Work friends, acquaintances, cousins you see every five years. Cut here first.

Write the circles separately, each of you, then compare. Names that appear on both lists in circle A are settled. The discussion only concerns the rest, which is a much smaller conversation.

Step 3: Set rules that apply to everyone

A rule justifies itself; an exception gets repeated. Decide a few rules before you look at individual names, and apply them to both families in the same way.

• Children: all, close family only, or none.
• Colleagues: none, or only those you see outside work.
• Distance: people you haven't seen or spoken to in two years aren't invited.
• Parents' friends: a fixed number per side, chosen by the parents themselves.
• Exes: only if they are part of your life today, and with the other partner's agreement.

The +1 rule

• Married or engaged: yes, +1 automatically.
• Long-term relationship (3+ years): yes.
• Dating less than a year: no +1.
• Single friends: you can do +1 or not, but be consistent.

Step 4: Check the list against the venue

A list only becomes real when it meets a room. Before you sign, ask the venue for its seated capacity with a dance floor, not its standing capacity, and keep a margin of five to ten places. Remember that not everyone will come: depending on distance and season, a few guests will decline, but plan the venue for the full list, never for the hoped-for refusals.

• Count in households as well as people: it is what you need for invitations, favours and the seating plan.
• Note children separately: they often have their own menu and price.
• Keep a column for diets and allergies from the start, so the caterer gets them in one go.

When parents want more guests

Parents often see the wedding as their party too, especially if they contribute. Listen to the names they care about, then come back to the numbers: 'We can have 70 guests in total; here are the places left for your friends.' Giving them a quota to fill themselves works better than discussing each name.

Saying no without drama

• Be clear and early: 'We're keeping it to close family and friends' is easier to hear in January than in May.
• Don't apologise for every name: one sentence explaining the format is enough.
• Offer something else where it makes sense: the drinks reception only, or a celebration later.
• Don't promise what you can't keep: 'We'll see' becomes a hurt feeling when the invitation never comes.

Once the list is settled, stick to it. Every name added after the invitations go out reopens the discussion for everyone else, and the families notice.