Children at your wedding: invite them or not, and how to host them well

In most families the question of children comes up three times: when you draw up the guest list, when you write the invitation, and one last time the night before, when a guest asks whether theirs can come after all. It is better to settle it once, calmly, than to be forced into it by urgency.

Invite them or not: decide before the list

There is no universal right answer. There is the answer that fits your venue, your budget, the time the evening ends and the atmosphere you imagine. Start with these three questions.

• Is the venue safe for children? A pool, a pond, a stone staircase or a road nearby cannot be solved with good intentions.
• Will the evening run late? Dinner at 9 pm with dancing until 3 am is not designed for a four-year-old, whatever anyone says.
• What do these children mean to you? Your nieces, nephews and godchildren, or the children of close friends, are not the same question as a colleague’s children.

Then choose one of the four rules that really exist.

Saying it without hurting anyone

What upsets people is almost never the rule itself, it is the feeling of being treated differently from someone else. Hence three principles: the same sentence for everyone, in the same place, as early as possible.

1. Put the rule on the invitationOne line is enough: “We have chosen to celebrate this day as adults.” or “Children are warmly welcome and childcare will be provided from 9 pm.” No apologetic justification, no three-line explanation.
2. Repeat it on your wedding pageThat is where you give the rest: timings, childcare, accommodation, directions. An online page can be corrected without reprinting anything.
3. Tell the households concerned directlyFor close family and very close friends, a phone call before the invitation goes out is better than a surprise in the mailbox.
4. Offer a solution, not only a ruleA list of local babysitters, a childcare space on site, a hotel room so parents can slip away: that is what turns a “no” into “we thought of you”.

If children come: the ceremony

The ceremony is the part where a child can most easily spoil a moment, and where you most need to tolerate it. Be realistic: a child under six rarely stays still for forty minutes.

• Seat families with young children at the end of a row, near an aisle or exit, so they can step out without crossing the whole gathering.
• Give older children a role: carrying the rings, throwing petals, handing out programmes. They are proud, focused, and the photos are better.
• Prepare a small bag for the youngest: a book, crayons, a silent toy. Anything noisy will be confiscated within the minute.
• Warn your officiant: a cry in the middle of the vows is easier to welcome with a smile when you expected it.

Timing and meals: adapt the day to children’s rhythm

Children cope badly with a gap of more than two hours from their usual routine. Lunch at 3 pm and dinner at 10 pm is not their rhythm. If you invite them, move closer to it wherever you can.

Serve the children before the adults if the caterer can manage it: they eat better hungry than exhausted, and their parents can enjoy their meal in peace. Ask the caterer, too, about allergies and dislikes: a children’s menu made only of nuggets is a habit, not an obligation.

The children’s table and activities

A children’s table works when it has a leader: a trusted adult or teenager who sits there, serves the dishes, cuts the meat and stops the pea fights. Without one, it is either chaos or silence.

• A colouring place mat with crayons rather than a tablet: a game is shared, a screen isolates.
• A little pack per child with a small game, stickers and a colouring book, to fill the waiting time between courses.
• A dedicated corner, away from the speakers, with rugs, cushions, books and quiet toys for the end of the meal.
• Supervised activities if the budget allows: face painting, outdoor games, a craft workshop, even a small magic show.

Childcare, nanny, babysitter: who looks after them

Whether or not you invite children, childcare is the question that needs a real answer. A “we’ll see” does not hold up at 11 pm in front of an exhausted child.

1. Choose the formatOne or two babysitters on site, a specialist children’s entertainment company, a trusted relative who is paid or reimbursed, or hotel-based care for parents staying on site.
2. Estimate the adults neededOne adult for four to six children over three, one for two or three below that. A rule of thumb to adjust to their age and energy.
3. Set the hoursFrom the drinks reception to the end of the meal? Until midnight? Write it down: it is what parents will want to know to organise their evening.
4. Meet beforehandIntroduce the children to the babysitter in the afternoon, with a few notes on allergies, comforters, bedtimes and the parents’ phone numbers.
5. Plan a sleeping cornerA quiet place with mattresses, blankets and a night light, away from the music. Parents will take turns there, but it has to exist.

On the budget side, expect often between €12 and €25 an hour per babysitter depending on the region, more for a professional entertainment company. For a hundred-guest wedding with a dozen children, it is a modest line compared with the caterer, and the one your guests will talk about most.

Safety, without the anxiety

Child safety rarely comes to mind when you draw up the equipment list, yet it is what you will most regret not having looked at. A walk around the venue with a parent’s eye the day before is enough to spot the essentials.

• Water: pool, pond, fountain. Closed, fenced or watched at all times, never left to chance.
• Road access: the car park, the exit from the grounds. An adult at the gate or a barrier during the party.
• Candles, fires, string lights and extension cables: up high or out of reach.
• Glasses, knives, bottles left after the meal: cleared faster when children are moving around.
• Allergies and medication: a list given to whoever leads the childcare, with the parents’ numbers.
• A clear meeting point if needed, known to both babysitters and parents.

The end of the evening: think of the parents

Parents of young children often leave early, and they almost always apologise. Make it easy for them: plan an official moment for leaving, with a last drink, rather than a furtive exit. A room nearby for families staying on site changes everything: the child is in bed, the parents come back to dance for an hour.

Everything that is practical for them (timings, childcare arrangements, suitable accommodation, directions) belongs on your wedding page. Parents plan their day in advance and appreciate not having to ask.

In what order to go about it

1. When you draw up the guest listChoose the rule on children and talk to the relatives concerned.
2. When you write the invitationState the rule in one sentence, announce the childcare solution, point to the wedding page for details.
3. Two months beforeBook babysitters or an entertainer, ask the caterer about children’s formulas, check the venue’s safety.
4. One month beforeCount the children, by age and by household. Put together the activity packs and spot the nap corner.
5. The day beforeWalk the venue with a parent’s eye, brief whoever leads the childcare, hand over the allergy lists.